god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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