i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
