I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
