dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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