things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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