Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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