Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
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we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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