Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
