Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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