Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
