my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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