I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
