I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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