Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
