i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm too high and old for this...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
