Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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