His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
