can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
