how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I didn't notice because vodka
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
