You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
