Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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