He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
