I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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