i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
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My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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