I wish my penis had an off switch
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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