The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
