the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
