I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
