I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
