Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
