It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
