I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
