Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
