Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
