he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
