oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
