The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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