Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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