I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
