please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
