your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
