How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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