Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
