he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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