Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
