you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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