Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
