The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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