Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
did i just pee glitter
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
