So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
