So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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