Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
