Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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