Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
