You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
