I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
