Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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