he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
